Decisions! Where to from here?

Saturday 26th August.               It has been a very busy week.  We just arrived home this afternoon after having spent the last few days in Adelaide at Flinders Medical.  Annabell has not had a great week and to make matters worse most of the chaos this week was caused by me.    I have been the primary carer for Annabell for the last two years. Generally, I   can keep things, like appointments, organized and flowing well as well as attending to other things and keeping her medication organized, but two years in this environment is draining. People have visited, called on the telephone, came and offered all sorts of help but to date, nothing has been done. I have to confess that I was reminded of something about politicians that my father told me many years ago – Politicians promise you the Kingdom of Heaven, then give you Hell for expecting it.  Well that’s how it all seemed to me.  Anyway, what’s all that got to do with the trip to Adelaide. Well, put simply we should not have been there!  For some reason I got it into my head that the visit to the Flinders Medical was this weekend. It was not – it is next weekend.  I got Annabell ready, organized John to look after Benji and on Thursday set off to Adelaide. Even then I was still under the impression that it was right when a proper look at my Filofax would have told me I was wrong.  It wasn’t until we arrived at the Cancer Lodge that I finally discovered just what I had done. They had no booking for us for this weekend and what booking they did have was for next weekend.  Fortunately, they did have space and I was able to book us in until Saturday morning. At 9:09 am on Friday I telephoned Flinders and told them what I had done, that I had stuffed up and instead of next week, I had brought Annabell down this week.  They were very helpful and very understanding and were actually able to get us an appointment to see her specialist that afternoon.  To say that I was relieved and very grateful is an understatement. However, even now (Sunday) I am still angry with myself for my stupidity.

The consult with the specialist was very helpful and we went through all aspects of the proposed operation, how it would be done and the outcome. We also went through the risks involved and she was very explicit in this and didn’t mince words. There is a possibility that Annabell might not survive the operation. One more test has to be done before a final decision made – she has to have an ECG Heart Scan, and depending on the results of that, a decision will be made as to whether or not they will do the operation. Annabell and I will be brought down to Flinders and if Annabell agrees, a proposed date will be set for the operation to remove the cancer. It will be by keyhole surgery and provided all is ok, it should take about two hours.  If there are complications, then   they will have to change to a major incision operation.

Annabell wants to have the operation in spite of the risks. I have reservations, but I fully understand her decision. These last two years have seen her decline from someone with whom I did the shopping, walking around the shops, to someone who needed a cane – to someone who needed a walker – someone who needed a wheelchair. Everything that she has experienced and undergone these last two or so years have had a major effect on everything we say and do. She is very tired and exhausted, and if there is a chance that she can get rid of the cancer and have a fairly normal (??) life afterwards, then despite the risks, she is willing to undergo the operation.  I have, as I said, reservations, but I fully understand her decision and I accept that decision. If, the opposite is true and the operation cannot be done, then I am faced with a decision. Given that she is almost chair-bound, unable to stand, walk or do most things, do I keep her at home or do I accept the advice of others and let them put her in a nursing home to be looked after. For me that’s no decision at all and I will gladly go from a primary carer to a full-time carer,   and I will do everything in my power to look after her and attend to her needs and do so until that is no longer possible. We have not come this far in our journey to even consider breaking the partnership.   That may well happen, but not today!