It’s been a while but things are finally starting to settle down and I think the bills have stopped coming in. Things are moving along, although, I have to confess that I still have ” Moments ” but other that, things are fine. My son chastised me for always responding to his question “How are you, Dad” with the answer ” Fine” I mean, what else am I supposed to say? I mean I could say that I spend ,my days crying in my beer, but that he knows to be untrue because I don’t drink beer! If he wasn’t so serious it would be quite funny. But he means well and I know he is concerned and he does care, but I am “fine” and getting on with things.
Benji has been good these last weeks. I am hardly able to move and he is at my heels. Several times now, he has repeated his climbing up on to my lap whilst I watch the evening news. I take him out with me most of the time and, as I said before, he just curls up
on the front seat and sleeps. Despite the cold, Benji and I have been spending time at the wetlands. Both of us are well rugged up, which is just as well since he is slowing down a bit. I lift him into the car these days. Saturday and Sunday – dressed, Breakfast with the RFDS at George Avenue, then down to the Wetlands and our walk and visit with the swans. Interesting today (Monday) in that I had just taken a photograph of the swan when it decided it had to go and spread its wings and take off and yes I did photograph this — not, perhaps as good as I would have liked, but it did come as something unexpected, so I was not ready for it. When it took off I really thought it weas going to go head first into the bridge, then it suddenly swooped straight upwards, well clear of the bridge. The other pair were just swimming around in the pond beyond the bridge.
I am heading off to Adelaide on Thursday of this week. I have a major account from the SA Ambulance Service for the transport of Annabell from Quorn back to Whyalla and I prefer to take that to my insurance Co. rather than post it down. When I was taking Annabell to the Cancer clinic I got into the habit of taking accounts that were covered, to the insurance for payment. Apart from which I really want to get out of town for at least a day and spend time wandering around Adelaide Centre. John is going to look after Benji for me and then pick me up from the Coach Station later at night. Apart from the Ambulance account I really haven’t much to do in Adelaide but the break will be most welcome.
The unfortunate thing about Adelaide is that for a major city it has a pretty poor excuse for a Coach Station – the seats are not the best – actually they are pretty poor, there is no place to buy anything to eat or drink and if you want something to eat of drink it’s a ten minute walk to the Central Market and back. There were other Coach companies when the place first opened, but they have since moved out leaving the place almost empty except for the Whyalla /Flinders / Flinders Ranges service. People don’t really like it because it is
too far a walk from the city centre. True, the old Coach Station was just across the road but at least it had a canteen which served hot food and drink. I wont have time to go to the big centres but I will be able to get to Central Market and if you include Rundle Mall that’s big enough for the few hours I have there.
However, I will probably spend much of my time in Rundle Mall in the city. I want to look for a new coat for Benji. The one he has he has had for a long time and it is getting a bit worse for wear and there is no Annabell to make him a new one, so I will see what I can get for him. If I can get a tartan one so much the better – but I doubt it. If I fail, I might try and have a “nice talk” with one of the RFDS ladies and I will supply all the necessary material. – We’ll see…
The weather has been cold and many people – including me – have mentioned that it has never been this cold that we can remember. This could well mean that – like you – we could be for a very hot summer. We have had some rain, but not too bad although the wetlands could do with a drop more, but I just want some heat..
Edgar's Page 
Glad you are feeling ‘fine’ in the sense that you are getting on with things. It can be hard to know how to answer such a big question as ‘how are you?’ When my dad died I learned to ask my mum ‘how are you today?’ Because grief does vary day to day and that prompted a more specific reply. So maybe you should answer your son as if he had asked that question. (Just a thought from my own experience – I know everyone is different so apologies if I seem interfering!)
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That is a good suggestion. I will see him again tonight so if he asks I will try to be tactful and answer as you suggest based on how today has been.
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That image of you holding Benji just made me smile so much! Just two ‘guys’ hanging out together.
Finding a new normal after losing the love of one’s life can be daunting and uncertain. My Dad is still trying to figure it out after Mom earned her angel wings. I’m sure your son just wants you to know he cares and is thinking of your tender heart. Sending you loads of comforting thoughts and digital ear rubs for Benji. Nice capture of the swan taking off. Well done.
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I am still trying to work things out in my head and although the moments are less, they are still there. I try to avoid things that will trigger them. I know my son is doing his best to make sure I am ok and I am thankful for that. I will see him for a little while tonight. Benji , whilst slowing a bit, is still good. He and I get on well together and I take him with me whenever I can. The take off of the swan was just so unexpected and I really did think it was going to go head first into the bridge. Son told me that the Wedge-Tail Eagle can do the same – go straight up.
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From widow to widower: It is okay to not be okay some days, even many days in a row. And, really, the definition of “fine” or “okay” is as unique as the person her/himself. When Sam first got his wings, I was still in a state of shock/surprise-not surprise/relief and I told everyone I was “fine”, too. But behind closed doors or when it was just Zen and me, every little thing was a trigger. So I just let it all out, felt it, and then hugged Zen and splashed my face with some cold water. Eventually, as hours became days and then weeks, months, and a year plus, I truthfully was able to say “fine” more often than not. People who know me would just give me a hug; others would say something like “glad to hear it” and change the subject. And I’m good with that. As long as I have my Zen and my Zoey to share my life with, I am okay. They are indeed the very best therapists I could ask for. (Ducky made sure of that. ❤️🩹)
Just a little backstory about my emotional fortitude….
When I was 11 years old, my maternal grandfather passed away from lung cancer. My grandmother was totally lost without him. To the point of throwing 24/7 pity parties for herself that drove her family to distraction and her friends to desert her. We all felt bad for her, obviously, but we could only take so much of her constant whining and complaining. By the time I was 13, she had driven me to the point where I was locking my bedroom door before I left the house. And it was at that point that I made a promise to myself and my future family that as long as I was able I would never allow myself to become a burden like that. That I would never accuse anyone of not loving me any more. I would rather they put me out of their misery. As a member of a club I never wanted to join, I now have greater sympathy for my grandmother; but I also refuse to sit and feel sorry for myself all day long like she did. I couldn’t stand myself, let alone expect anyone else to put up with me. Besides, Sam wouldn’t want me to. He would want me to live for both of us. And my Mom would probably come back to visit me for the sole purpose of smacking me upside the head and telling me to remember my promise. 🤪
I have a feeling that your sweet Annabell would want you to live life for both of you as well. Sure, we both have our “moments” – and they love us enough to allow for it – but neither they nor we want their legacies to be our self-induced misery. Besides, we have our pups to take care of. They depend on us for so much. We can’t let them down.
Sorry for the verbosity. I do want you to know, though, that I understand and empathize. And if you want to “chat”, just send me a text in Messenger, or an email.
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And give Benji some ear rubs and treats for me. He’s grieving for his Mum, too, but he’ll be fine as long as he sees you are mostly “okay.”
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